I had a personality disorder in my childhood. I picked up my first drink at 13, just out of curiosity, and I found my happiness! It became my companion in high school, and by the time I reached college, I was a full-fledged alcoholic.
I also ended up having six criminal cases, and I found that I had no hope. People gave up on me. My parents gave up on me and I was shattered and clueless. I tried to kill myself six times but was unsuccessful. So there’s a reason why I had to go through all this. And today, you know, life is entirely different, but I just want to, take a minute and share about the damage that I have caused because of my alcoholism and my personality disorder.
Alcohol was the tip of the iceberg, but I found that I lived with a lot of fear, insecurity, and anger. A lot of this anger converted to rage in three or four seconds. I could break relationships using just my tongue. I found that I had to medicate my mind to kind of calm myself or to get some balance of what I was trying to do. But it only caused more damage. Ultimately, I was hospitalized 18 times. I was rehabilitated for a year and a half. But I refused to accept any help. It was 1990 when I had my last episode of anger when I beat up a sub-inspector of police. I was caught and put into a lockup. That’s when my father walked in at 2 a.m. and he said I was disowned, and asked me not to come back home back home. And that was my awakening. Thank God for that. I had to carry myself out after three days.
I somehow walked to an AA member’s house in Jayamahal, Bangalore, and I asked for help. And he asked, “How do you want me to help you?” I said, “Sir, I want to stop drinking.” That’s when my journey started. When I got to staying away from drinking, it looked so easy but the living problem was the difficult part. My anger episodes were back and I lived in a lot of fear, insecurity, hatred and jealousy. I almost relapsed but by the grace of God, I managed to hang on and started working my steps with my sponsor and that’s what changed my.
AA is a fun way of life for me, and today I live the AA way of life. In recovery, I met a woman, got married, had two beautiful daughters, and I have a fantastic job. I travel the world, and I have a passion for it. Today I have no regrets of being born an alcoholic. When I say life is fun, it’s not that everything is gonna be okay for me. Even when I get angry or frustrated, I know how to deal with it. The support that I have from AA is incredible because that’s the only way out. My job is to travel and in any place I travel to, the first thing I do is try to hit the hotline and I make my meetings. I work my first three steps, my fifth step and my eleventh step. I’m 58 years old today and I’ve been around in the fellowship now, by God’s grace, for 32 long years.
Today, I wouldn’t trade anything in this world for my recovery. Just for today, life is fantastic. I do what I like: interact with people, travel and party. I still work with my sponsor because it doesn’t matter how long you’ve been around, It’s just for today. I enjoy myself to the core. I go to parties, family functions, and weddings and I feel the problem is inside me. The moment I start working on it through the 12 steps I can truly live. It’s amazing because the only way out is what I’m doing right now and I do not want to start gambling with my life again. Today, I’m a very grateful alcoholic and I try to keep working on myself. I heard an old timer say that after we die, first the soul leaves, and after that the character defects! I don’t worry about what happened in the past, or what’s going to happen tomorrow, I live only for today. When I worked my fourth step, I saw what I needed to do to change. I don’t need to publish my alcoholism to society. I have been accepted in society along with my family which brings me so much joy.
My hopes have come back. I live with a lot of peace and happiness, which is what I kept fighting for in the past. Today, there are no regrets about being born an alcoholic, because when one door closes, the other door opens and for me, it is the AA way of life. So the message I want to give all the newcomers that nobody’s a hopeless case. All you need is the desire to get better, recovery is a process, and it doesn’t work overnight. So all the best, I love you guys, big hugs to all of you and just keep doing what you have to do and be honest about it. Thank you.